Top 5 Port City Potties
Being a port city that is basically overrun with Hells Angels and Asian gangbangers, Vancouver certainly has its share of drugs. Maybe that’s why most bathrooms we’ve come across on our nights out seem to have been designed with party favours in mind.
Our top picks of Vancouver’s best bathrooms to do bad stuff in:
1. Republic
No problem getting up to no good in these embellished marble, completely encapsulated powder rooms . It’s not uncommon to see residual powder on the toilet paper dispensers. Might as well be in a Colombian beach mansion with George Jung.
2. Modern
A redlight corridor of unisex stalls acts like a bottleneck for Last Minute Lucies. Get slammed or bust out the pixie stix in the comfort of your own private, virtually soundproof stall equipped with mirrors for you voyeuristic pervs.
3. Cactus Club, Yayotown
Don’t let the carbon copy jakalope fool you, this Cactus is nothing like its tamer suburban chad-fests (unless you count the South Surrey location which is basically a 24/7 UN Gang Tweetup). Chock-full of traffickers in tight graphic tees and their trophies, you know someone’s getting up to no good in the washroom.
4. Shine
The place always smells like shit so you know everyone’s rippin’ on something. Why even bother taking a trip to the unisex back room toilet? Crouch on the black couches in what basically looks like Scarface’s basement and do what you gotta do… pretty sure no one cares, or if they do, they just want a piece.
5. Six Acres
Ok this place is a little less nose candy, a little more peyote/pot cookie. People are likely to feign constipation just to spend time tripping out in these stalls decorated with Hawaii 5-0 records and books on tape playing through the speakers.
Top 5 Ways Facebook Ruins Your Life
1. The asexual girl from high school whose gunt stuck out farther than her tiny tits is listed as ‘married’ and has her recent ultrasound of her trannyspawn as her profile pic.
2. The guy you just banged after the office party posted a comment on the trampy hot girl from work’s page about how he wished her hot ass could have made it to the party.
3. Your alcoholic status being confirmed to your family and coworkers in the form of tagged photos where your eyes are half open and you’re dumping domestic vodka down your throat straight from the bottle. Other photos in the series show you sticking your tongue through your imaginary hand vagina.
4. Fresh photos of your ex dry humping the local cumdumpster keep showing up in your newsfeed.
5. The general realization that you are older, fatter, uglier, less successful and lonelier than everyone you have ever met. EVER.
Top 5 Ways To Have A Good New Years Eve
With two weeks until new years everyone at PHF is dry cleaning their sequin dresses, collecting the change from their couches to buy Baby Duck, and sourcing out all the best parties in town. After a year comparable to a pre childbirth enema, we want to ensure that we end this rotten whore of a year with a bang, and bring in 2010 with minimal tears and maximum fun. Here are our tips to ensure that your night ends up as awesome as ours.
1. Plan your outfit
It’s important to look hot on new years eve if you want to get laid. But with cabs a scarce resource and parties being spread out over town it’s probable you’re going to be walking a lot. Please don’t wear heels. You suck at walking in them and you’re going to be stumbling anyway. Try to wear shoes that are comfortable and warm. Throw a huge coat over your teeny tiny dress, and bring a big purse to keep you well stocked in booze and narcotics for those snowy walks you’ll have to take. Make sure you wear really nice underwear too- it’s not new years day if you aren’t searching for them between the wall and the record store guy’s bed.
2. Plan who you’re going to see
I don’t know about you but I’d rather get raped by a horse than start the new year in the same room as my ex. Make sure he’s not going to be there through any means possible. Message the host, give him head, whatever. They say that the what you’re doing at midnight is how you’re going to be spending the year. I sure as hell don’t want to be spending next year throwing drinks in girls faces and kicking people in the balls screaming YOU RUINED MY LIFE! Find a party that has a guest list with equal parts good friends and cute guys.
3. Skip the expensive, overrated party
Don’t fall for the usual new years scam: the typical bar star club with the same lame DJ offering crappy dollar store noise makers and thimbles of champagne at midnight as an excuse to slap a 500% increase on the already steep cover charge. If that’s not bad enough, it’s also gonna be full of bridge and tunnelers wearing bumpits and Christian Audigier getting pumped to close out the year with THE MOST EPIC NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES. Who are they kidding, they’re gonna be hugging the toilet by 9pm after chugging too many vodka redbulls at their Days Inn preparty.
4. Plan your drug use wisely
Even though it might seem like a great idea at the time, don’t do E after 1am. Next thing you know, your friends are going home and you’re texting your coworkers at 5am asking ‘where the party at?’ and calling your dad to tell him you love him.
5. Leave the resolutions at home
We all have amazing intentions for January 1st. Quit smoking, quit drinking, stop sleeping with strangers. These rules to live by should not come into effect until after you wake up- don’t even consider starting them when the clock strikes midnight. Smoke 2 packs of cigarettes, eat pizza on the street, do whatever you want! You can worry about The Zone Diet when you’re safely in bed and have washed the makeup and cum off of your face at 4pm. Important to note: smoking is allowed on the walk of shame even thought it’s technically after you’ve woken up.
Shut It Down
Inspired by our friends at 30 Rock and every disgusting loser we’ve dated this year, PHF has made a list of some dating deal breakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah… obviously don’t date guys who wear Ed Hardy or play video games, or live with their mother. These dig a little deeper. Have some to add? Leave your deal breaker in the comment section and we’ll add it to the list!
1. If the shampoo in his shower is for “fine, thinning hair,” SHUT IT DOWN. Gross.
2. If he orders coca cola with breakfast SHUT IT DOWN. Unless you need some ginger ale to counter the effects of last night’s alcohol binge, pop in the morning is totally juvenile. Next thing you know he’ll be painting his face blue and wearing a giant foam novelty hat while beating his chest at sporting events.
3. If you have a hard time pulling him away from entertaining some guys he just met at a party with his endless jokes SHUT IT DOWN. He wants to throw it in them pump-jack style, but would never admit it due to fear of being excommunicated by his Seventh Day Adventist family.
4. If he has an “amazing female friend” who he shares a “deep connection” with, SHUT IT DOWN. They’re fucking, and she’s probably hotter than you.
5. If he financially and emotionally supports his sisters, SHUT IT DOWN. They secretly want to have sex with him.
6. If you’ve only gone on a couple of dates and he starts signing his texts with ‘-me’ SHUT IT DOWN! That’s just flat out rude to assume that you are that familiar already and you don’t have a whole other roster of ‘me’s. Plus its a one way ticket to relinquishing your Sunday afternoons to bathroom accessory shopping at Linens and Things.
7. If he thinks it would be sooo awesome to move out of his apartment and into a big house with the band, SHUT IT DOWN. Grow up, loser.
8. And while we’re on the subject, if he’s in a band, SHUT IT DOWN. Not only is it humiliating watching him sing songs in shitty bars, but it will go to his head and he’ll cheat on you. Or start wearing tights and guyliner.
9. If he does cocaine, SHUT IT DOWN. You’ll wake up with overrated local djs in your loft and he’ll always be skinnier than you.
10. If he moved to Europe after university to find himself, SHUT IT DOWN. He will never stop talking about it and might even drag you there to meet all his insufferable British friends with disgusting teeth and coke habits.
11. If he hates his dad, SHUT IT DOWN. As if you’re paying into RRSPs, you need that inheritance.
12. If you dated in high school, SHUT IT DOWN. Your therapist will tell you later that you’re just trying to reconcile your childhood wounds. Go see your mother instead.
Housewarming
Moving into a new place is like resetting your priorities. You throw out old, dumpy clothes, get rid of the jars of moldy jam that have been percolating in your fridge for years, and get to start fresh by stocking up on things that support your new goals.
Mine, for example, involve increasing the quality of liquor in my home bar so I feel just a tiny bit more classy as I piss/puke my money away rather than saving up for frivolous things like ‘real estate investment’ and ‘rrsps’. I’m pretty sure that by the time I can afford to buy a 300 square foot closet on the outskirts of the skids, the freemasons will have already relocated to the moon and left the rest of us to disintegrate under turbo charged UV rays.
So, here’s a list of what I want for my housewarming:
French monks. Secret recipe. 130 herbal extracts. Magic.
2. Maraschino
Marasca cherries. Honey. Finnish ashwood vats. (Nothing to do with those formaldehyde soaked radioactive cherries).
Juniper. Bulgarian rose. Cucumber. Beware of blindness.
Sweet. Red. Hard to find in Canada.
Bitter herbs, pomegranate and secrecy dating back to the 1860s.
Finishing Touches
Fuck Canada Food Guide, throw in a bag of ice, some oranges, a rocks glass, a martini glass, and some bartending classes and you’ve got everything you need for a perfectly balanced liquid diet.
Breakup Must Haves
“Its Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” and “Mend a Broken Heart in 30 Days” are nice and all, but when going through an earth shattering breakup, lets get real. They don’t help. Ice cream? No, whiskey. No contact? 200 texts a day! Here is a list of the real must haves to get you through your breakup 10 lbs lighter, looking cute and having had a little fun.
1. Mexican nighty
At PHF we always like to look our best, even in the midst of a nervous breakdown. You wouldn’t go to a black tie event wearing jeans would you? Always dress appropriately for the event! A Mexican nighty, preferably pale yellow, is the perfect outfit for complete mental collapse. It’s airy and comfortable, and with a cardigan thrown over top it looks cute when you walk to the corner for alcohol and cigarettes. There is no shame in wearing it every day for over a week.
2. Baby food
When crying and hyperventilating all day and night, it’s hard to get food down. Everything tastes horrible. But you need to eat, if only to keep the booze and anti depressants down. Wear your Mexican nighty to the grocery store and stock up on baby food. It’s affordable, easy to swallow, and packed with nutrients. If you have company, offer them a jar of pureed apricots. It’s my favorite.
3. Laptop
Since you’re not going to be leaving the house much, things can get lonely. Your laptop is your best friend. Need to talk to someone? Email his ex girlfriends! Wondering why you can’t feel better, even though it’s been weeks? E-diagnose yourself with a personality disorder (I find borderline personality disorder to be a fun one). Miss your boyfriend so much you could die? Use the blind function on your computer to have an electronic voice read you every email he’s ever written you. And always be on the look out for pictures of him with other girls.
4. Psychotropic medication mixed with booze
Anything can be a party if you throw in some festive drinks and pills. Your local clinic or family doctor will be happy to hook you up with various downers. After hours? Head to the emergency room, baby! Empty wine bottles also make great ashtrays and create attractive avant-garde center pieces when filled to the top with cigarette butts.
5. Down comforter
Most of this party is going to be spent in bed, so make sure you have a thick, high quality down comforter. It will soak up the tears, spilled wine and baby food, and keep you cozy during a record breaking heat wave. Don’t even think about walking the 4 blocks to the beach to cool down in the ocean. Sweat it out. Think of it like a cleanse.
Failure Jams
Whenever I’m not sure what I want to listen to I set my iPod on shuffle. I usually end up skipping through a lot of crap, while realizing that I really need to overhaul my playlist, but sometimes I land on something old and familiar. Usually it’s a shitty hip hop song that reminds me of some jerk I used to mess around with. Funny how a song can bring back feelings of pathetic promiscuity, low self esteem, bad cologne and bad sex. So yeah, after I give you a rundown of the songs that do this for me, and the subjects of these unwelcome flashbacks, I’m going to get right on that iPod purge.
1. Rape Me – Nirvana
Picture it: Grade 8 basement party in the suburbs. I’m on the couch with a boy and we’re furiously frenching. This is the first time I’ve ever kissed a boy so I’m not really sure what I’m doing. And we don’t want everyone to stare so we only french when the lights go out and when they come back on again we just pretend we are napping. Yeah, having a nice nap while Rape Me is blasting through the speakers. I can still taste his braces.
2. Shorty Got Her Eyes On Me – Donell Jones
Now I’m in university, my grunge-loving highschool days are over and my severe jungle fever is at an all-time high, which is probably only encouraged by my close proximity to Detroit, Michigan. I’m often the only white girl at the hip hop club who’s not pushing 300lbs. Feelin’ really hot, yeah. That’s where I meet Darius – a slim cutie with a slick wave, fake light brown contacts and lips bigger than my head. When he can get a ride over the border by his cousin, we get it on to Donell Jones in my dorm room (only if my little blond mousy roomie has gone home for the weekend).
3. Hot Sexy Punkie – Sean Paul
The boy I was madly in love with for the entirety of my university years (after the jungle-fever part) said this song reminded him of me. He was a large Estonian with ice blue eyes and his Armani Mania cologne drove me wild. He’d pick me up and we’d drive around in our hoodies smoking fat joints and blasting Mobb Deep ‘Quiet Storm’, eventually ending up at this place that served burgers the size of dinner plates. We’d often get drunk together at the local pub, then he’d walk me home and we’d make out. He said when I was around, everyone else just disappeared. I guess that included his girlfriend.
4. Welcome to Jamrock – Damian Marley
So I suppose a bit of my jungle fever was still lingering after university because I hooked up with what could only be described as the King of all Wiggers. He had a bald head, huge jeans, clever t-shirts that said ‘White Boy’ and even worked as a Sales Associate at the Timbaland store in the mall. He also had a penchant for chubby asians who could barely speak English, and a two way pager that had this as a ringtone. I still shudder every time I hear it, which is a real shame because I used to like that song.
5. Intuition – Feist
So my hip hop phase is slowly coming to an end and my slow jam playlists are starting to become populated with more folky shit, including Feist. My current boyfriend and I are making out and things are getting pretty hot when this Feist song comes on. He immediately goes flaccid at the sound of her breathy vocals. Then he pleads with me to turn it off because it reminds him of Regina Spektor, a similar sounding folk artist that his evil ex used to listen to on repeat. In hindsight, I think he was just looking for excuses for his impotency.
So I figure, from now on, I’ll try not to associate any songs I actually like with boys I will have no future with. Do the Black Eyed Peas have any slow jams? Inspired to make a new mix tape called ‘Failure Jams’. Suggestions welcome.
Top 5 Stages of Dating Elimination
Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you’re sleeping. Love is wearing make up to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That’s love. -30 Rock
1. The first couple of months of seeing someone new are absolutely spent constipated. If asked about this, you say “I don’t have those parts.” Romantic evenings involve lying uncomfortably in bed beside your man with your gut full of chickpea induced methane.
2. Things are getting a little bit more comfortable between the two of you. It’s totally acceptable to pee with the water running, or my favorite, the flush while you pee. You’re still shitting at Starbucks though.
3. We can all admit we’re human now. Your boyfriend has said “don’t go in there” enough times for you to feel comfortable enough to pee while he’s in the shower, and tend to the second act of elimination while he’s at work/blacked out drunk. Too soon? As if you don’t pee while he’s in the shower!
4. You’re not having sex anymore, so what does it matter? And if you’re still having sex at this point, he’s totally put it in your butt. He knows what goes on there.
5. Breakup or Depends®
Post Script: My last boyfriend peed on me on our first date. It ended poorly.
Social Media, Husband Shopping, and You
After shedding the mexican nighty that had almost fused to my skin and concealing the bags under my eyes, I realized that, despite getting ID’d for lighters, I was not getting any younger. If I was going to ever live in a heritage house with my tiny blond children and assortment of black dogs, I would have to get going on this man thing. I tried online dating (ok, I looked at plenty of fish for a couple weeks and was horrified), and my decade of getting drunk in bars has obviously gotten me nowhere. Then I realized that social media can be used for much more than making yourself jealous of some girl you hardly talked to in high school- it is an incredibly valuable man hunting tool.
1. Eyes on the Prize
Find out what kind of job you’d like your future husband to have, then search every hashtag in your area pertaining to that industry. Once you find a popular one, you’ve hit a twitter man hunting gold mine. Start following all the cute ones, then plan your tweeting accordingly.
I have a preference for advertising douche bags, so the Lotus Award hash tag was my gold mine. Every brand focused man with thick rimmed glasses was using that hash tag for a week. I now follow all of them, and make sure that my tweets are shaped around things you’d find in Boards magazine.
2. Background Check
Like his tweets? Then look for his picture on his company’s website. Read his blog, look for signs of girlfriends on facebook, see what he likes to wear to the beach on his Flickr, and what Surface To Air cardigan he admires on his Tumblr. With a few well planned clicks you can know everything about your potential husband in minutes, including the competition he’s flirting with through his various avatars.
3. The Retweet
It is totally acceptable for anyone to retweet something that they find interesting or funny. If you’re too shy to come right out and DM them, there’s no better way to have them look at your profile picture than an @ and a LOL. Make sure you’re wearing something slutty in your profile pic.
4. The Fake Friend
He doesn’t seem to have a girlfriend and he hangs out at places that don’t suck. It’s time to be friends. Add the dude on facebook, look at his photos and zero in on a place that you could have reasonably met. Maybe you see him in a big group of people that includes a couple of your friends (or people you vaguely know). Or at a show. Or a bar you go to. When he messages you to ask how the hell he knows you (they usually do), you say you met at ________ then quickly change the subject. If they like your slutty profile picture, they’ll be happy to keep chatting.
5. The Date
Since you have zeroed in on this young man based on shared interests and research, while chatting it is totally acceptable to say “we should get a beer some time.” Don’t want to do that? Then have his tweets and foursquare come to your cell phone and just full on stalk him.
